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I’ve recently had an odd falling out with an intimate friend. I don’t let many people get very close to me, and the few that I do let in become extremely important to me, so when this happened, it broke my world. Really.

Since then I have learnt to deal with it better, but it still bugs me every single day. I’d love to confront it, lay the situation out on the table and find out where I stand and then work from there, but I don’t think this will get the desired response. It’s so tough when people don’t communicate… Not knowing is so much worse than knowing an unpleasant truth. I think this confrontation will have to happen, purely for my own peace of mind. Having fake conversations that no longer contain any substance is painful and exhausting.

When I think of how we used to be, I can’t believe that this is what we’ve become. I would never have expected things to turn out this way.

After this incident, I had a bit of a breakdown with life in general. It all stemmed from this incident though, and so in trying to see the positive side to this whole thing, it caused me to really look at people in my life and evaluate who’s really in it for real, for the long haul, and who’s not. I don’t think you ever really know until the relationship is tested. This one, apparently, failed. I can’t fathom how someone I trusted so much and shared so much with could just suddenly shut me out. I felt rejected, betrayed and abandoned… But I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt in thinking that maybe they were hurting too and this is how they dealt with it.

I’m trying to make things right, have been for a few weeks, but it doesn’t work if it’s just me trying and getting no response. It’s so unutterably sad to let a relationship like that die.

Open communication, sharing and understanding is at the core of intimacy in any relationship and friendship. 

Intimacy: the closeness and trust between two people through exchange of their inner most thoughts and values.

…before they wreck your happy-day plans. Next time you feel that dark cloud hovering, try these simple bounce-back strategies.

Focus on the positive
“Think of your life as a garden. If you go into the garden looking for the weeds you will not feel pleasure walking there,” says Dr Dannerup. Instead learn to take note of, and amplify, all the blessings and beauty in your life. To apply this principle, every day find five things that you can appreciate about yourself before you leave the house in the morning, she suggests.

Put things in perspective
Write down the following thought on a piece of paper: “Just because I feel it does not mean it’s true” and keep the note in your handbag. When your emotions start to spiral out of control, reflect on these words to put things in perspective. This will help you to identify when you’re over-reacting. Gradually, you’ll be able to detach from the situation and observe patterns in your behaviour. That’s the first step in changing the way you respond.

Manage your emotions
“When we release feelings, we stop acting them out on other people,” says Professor Ingrid bacci, author of the Art of Effortless living (Transworld Publishers ltd). If you communicate your feelings, anger is channelled outward instead of building up inside. When you feel frustrated, angry or upset, you should be able to say so without exploding. Your goal is to become assertive without being aggressive, so it’s important to be able to say: this is what I feel; this is what I want; this is what I think.

Avoid unhealthy habits
When we’re distressed we often turn to negative coping mechanisms. It’s tempting to find relief in a cigarette, food or drink to get through a bad day, but this only exacerbates the problem — and leads to feelings of guilt and low self-esteem.

Get organised
“Make a list of outstanding tasks around the house or at work and tick each one off after doing it. Congratulate yourself when you’ve completed each one, no matter how small,” says Dr Dannerup. Start with the smallest task so you get your self-appreciation started early in the day, she suggests. This is a great way to build a sense of achievement, and it’s hard to have a bad day when you’re feeling super-productive. Plus, others appreciate you when you appreciate yourself, so you’ll also have friendlier faces around you.

(via Shape Mag)

Sadness is the big phase in the post-break- up cycle, and although this is usually the most painful part of the process, there are many ways to alleviate the blues.

1. TAKE TIME TO GRIEVE
The break-up of any relationship is a loss, regardless of who calls it off. When Lee-Anne, 33, broke up with her partner of five years, she lost a boyfriend, but also her closest circle of friends, the house they bought together and lived in for three years, and the surrogate family she’d spent so many Christmas holidays with. “You don’t just break up with a person, you end a part of your life,” says Lee-Anne. This can be devastating — even if it was your decision to end things — and a proper grieving period is non-negotiable.

2. GET OUT AND GET ACTIVE
For Beth, 26, the best post-break-up coping strategy is to put on her trainers and go for a run. “When Will broke up with me, I had a constant knot in my tummy. I would wake up early every morning and just lie there agonising. Eventually I started forcing myself to get out of bed and go for a run before work. This was the only way I could clear my mind and start off my day not feeling completely depressed. A month later, I was feeling much better and fitting back into my skinny jeans.” Don’t under estimate the mood-lifting powers of the natural endorphins released when you exercise, especially if you’re doing it outdoors.

3. THE POWER OF TOUCH
Getting a massage is a great way to beat break-up blues, advises clinical psychologist Jamie Elkon. “You may be missing the physical proximity of another, and the healing touch of massage can do a lot to release the anxiety and depression associated with breaking up.”

4. CONTROL YOUR EATING BEHAVIOUR
When your life feels out of control, regular, balanced meals are often the last thing on your agenda. Problem is that when your eating habits are out of control, it adds to the sense of disorder in your life. Don’t get trapped in this negative cycle, and make healthy eating a priority. Resist the temptation to starve yourself in some twisted revenge scheme, but don’t overindulge in chocolate ice-cream either.

5. GET ENOUGH SLEEP
Lack of sleep can exacerbate feelings of depression so make sure you’re getting eight hours’ shut-eye daily. If the emotional turmoil is affecting your sleeping patterns, try natural remedies first, such as avoiding caffeine, getting enough exercise, drinking camomile tea, and meditation techniques. If none of these work, consult your GP for advice.

6. DON’T BE A LONER
Now is not the time to prove your independence, so accept the support of your friends and family. Seek out people or situations that bring about positive feelings and provide a safe space in which you can talk about your pain.

7. REDISCOVER YOURSELF
“Falling in love often involves subtly refashioning yourself into being the ‘ideal’ match for your partner,” Vermeulen says. “By definition this means losing certain parts of yourself, and regaining these after the break-up can help restore your sense of self-worth.” The abundance of “me-time” created by the split should be used to rediscover those aspects of yourself you sacrificed to make the relationship work. Follow your interests, try out new hobbies, join a club or start an exercise programme.

8. AVOID BIG DECISIONS
“Don’t make any long-term decisions when you’re in an unstable emotional state,” Bredekamp warns. Although now might seem the perfect time to pack your bags and move to Peru, forcing yourself to make any big decisions at this stage will only add unnecessary stress. Wait until you’ve processed and adapted to this major life change before making another.

9. RE-ESTABLISH YOUR CAREER AND FINANCES
Expect a change in lifestyle and accept that a lowering of your previous living standards may be part of your new reality. Work towards establishing yourself again financially, and if you sacrificed your career for the relationship, now’s the time to get it back on track. Channeling your energy into work can be therapeutic and rewarding, but be careful not to overdo it.

(via Shape Mag)